What I just learned in therapy
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And on this week’s episode of, “What I Just Learned in Therapy”...
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Seriously though guys, this therapy stuff is HARD. Finally feeling all the dark stuff you’ve kept locked up in your heart for too long? Oh man.
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I’m learning a lot.
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I just wish learning didn’t have to be so painful, you know?
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In any event, this week in therapy I was taking a deep look at the blocks I have around being seen. My whole life, I’ve felt like I’m operating behind plate glass. People close to me have seen mostly their own reflection. Rarely have they seen ME.
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There are lots of reasons for this.
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One of the biggest is my people pleasing. I’m really, really good at anticipating people’s needs and then filling them. Including changing myself. Sometimes to avoid conflict, and sometimes... just to be liked.
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This week in therapy, we talked about how lonely that can be. Because when you’re constantly shape shifting, no one even CAN see the real you.
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People offer praise and I dismiss it because it misses the mark. Why? Because they’re praising a version of me that I’ve manufactured to make them happy.
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The only way I’ll ever truly feel seen is to give MYSELF the acknowledgment I crave.
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I’m the only one who can scratch that itch.
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So that’s the work I’m doing today. I’m learning to acknowledge myself by:
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Taking time to celebrate my successes and pat myself on the back for my hard work (and small progress).
Asking myself what I truly want before taking action (to make sure I’m not just carrying out someone else’s wishes).
Allowing myself the space and time to grieve and be hurt and feel sad about the memories I’m working through.
Treating my body with the respect it deserves (eating when I’m hungry, resting when I’m tired).
Staying grounded in the sensations of the present moment (actually FEELING what it’s like in my body rather than dissociating).
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I’ll get there eventually. To a place of greater integrity and confidence and authenticity.
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And in the meantime, I’m trying to be proud of the work I’m doing. Every step of the way.